JACCOB HAS BAD LUCK
by brainish
Summary: this is a parody that my friend and i did while we were bored hope u like it... and if no well don t read it, but it is very funny and stupid.
1. FUKING DORA AND THE LESBIAND MEET JACCOB

THIS IS A STORY I WAS DOING WITH A FRIEND… I DID NOT GET ANY BENEFITS FROM THIS STORY AND I RESPECT AND ADMIRE EVERY CHARACTER IN THESE CHAPTERS (EXCEPT MAYBE DORA)

SO TWILIGHT CHARACTER, LADY GAGA, AND ALL THE REST OF THE CHARACTER FROM THESE STORY I REALLY ADMIRE YOU AND I JUST JOKE ABOUT YOU FOR MAKING THESE COMEDY BOOK, HOPE YOU ENJOY IT, IT WILL BE MY FIRST COMEDY.

BY: ALEJANDRO ARTILES & ANNJULIE VIELLELA

CHAPTER 1: JACOB´S NEW TRUE SELF.

Jaccob (from the Twilight Saga) was walking through the forest in his human form… suddenly he gets bite by something, it was a vampire he didn´t see him or her, but he began to transform. His pain was so intolerable he fainted, like a little drama queen with his hand on his for head and with an S falling trajectory. He wakes up and is been carried by a group of animals, weird looking, cartoon like animals, they get to this enormous castle. The animals leaved him in front of the queen´s throne, there he sees Dora La Exploradora. She is dressed like in her typical TV show, with her men shorts, a pink shirt, and her blue backpack.

Dora begins to speak, scream, and hit Jaccob.

DORA: hey bitch what are you doing here? This is my territory; don't mess with me or else…

The short girl is very aggressive; she is nothing like in her TV show. She wanted to fuck Jaccob but she didn´t let her. Jaccob who was now one third human, one third werewolf, and one third vampire, transformed into a huge wolf, with some vampire details, such as the big sharp teeth of a vampire and less hair, h

He was horrible… Jaccob was astonish of his new look; he actually love it… and began to model like if he was in some kind of photo shoot, he was walking and moving his butt in all direction… meanwhile Dora was li WTF, and making a gesture like thinking "what is he fucking doing?"… Then Jaccob began to dance in a tube that I don´t know where it came from… then the music with which Jaccob was dancing stopped and he took his right claw and split Dora into pieces, he stole her blue backpack, that doesn´t matter what they put inside there is always much more space, it is infinite inside.

He checks what is inside and finds a wand, and Ben Tennison´s omnitrix… he begins to play with the omnitrix and ruins it causing a supermassive black hole… and it begins to absorb everything except Jaccob that escaped, into the black hole went all of Dora´s friends, and Muse who was singing supermassive black hole…

(8) Glacier melting in the death of night

And I am the superstar sucked into the supermassive (8)

Everyone died except for Jaccob who escaped.

Jaccob returns to the pack but before he gets there he sees two women in the loneliness of the forest. He gets closer to see if he can flirt with them, now that he is in his human vampire form, he cannot get rid of the vampire curse never,

He recognizes one of the two women it was Bella, the girl Jaccob most love, the other women Jaccob had no idea who she was, but she look emo, she was dressed with tight black pants, a tight black shirt that had a skull drawn in its center, and a clump of black hair falling over her left eye; she was pale and skinny, as if she had never eat.

They began the conversation

JACCOB: Hey Bella what are you doing here? Long time no see.

Jaccob had not seen Bella since she got married with Edward and became a vampire and one of the Cullen's family.

BELLA: I am here with my "friend" Gloria.

Bella pronounces friend suspiciously and do quotation mark with her fingers while saying it.

Jaccob: Hi Gloria I am Jaccob, one of Bella´s friends,

GLORIA: Whatever, do you want to fuck me?

JACCOB: Of course I want…

GLORIA: Bad luck I am with Bella, we´re lesbians.

Jaccob shocked, he couldn´t believe his love was lesbian… as dirty lesbians that was kissing in front of him with another girl.

Jaccob ran away crying like a little girl. The two lesbians continue to French kiss, and they were very passion, a lot of tongue


	2. KATY DIE OUT OF NOWHERE

NOW THE STORY IS NOT OVER THAT WAS ONLY THE BEGINING OF JACCOBS ODDESSEY (THANKS FOR THE VERY PASSIONED AND WASTED WORD ANNJULIE THE SPICY PEPPER) NOW THE "DRAMMA" OF THIS COMEDY GETS SO MIXED UP IT IS A DRAMATIC COMEDY. AGAIN NEITHER ANNJULIE THE SPICY PEPPER NOR I GOT ANY REWARD, BENNEFIT, NOT EVEN A SODA FOR WRITING THIS STORY.

CHAPETER 2

As Jaccob continued run through the forest, he was not paying attention to his surroundings, his eyes were crammed full of tears, after running for hours into the forest he finally hit himself against a hard object, he gets up and sees he has hit a tree branch, but it was not a typical branch it was a candy branch, he begins to pass his tongue all over the tree´s member.

Seconds after it appears Katy Perry.

KATY: What are you doing?

She makes a face as saying, are you crazy or what?

JACCOB: I was eating this delicious mint tree.

KATY: Hey don't you see this is a private property; I bought this magical forest area for my video…

JACCOB: I am sorry I did not know; I should go then.

KATY: No, why don't you come with me to my home?

JACCOB: I can´t sorry, I need to go find someone.

That someone was Edward Cullen who was the lesbian Bella´s husband; he had to tell Edward, Bella was lesbian.

KATY: Ok… I will need to stay here alone, with my sexiness.

Suddenly from the sky big, huge rocks fall over Katy. That made Jaccob look to the sky where he saw some UFO moving, he was amazed, but not that much. As a werewolf Jaccob have seen many strange, weird, awkward, abnormal things.

Jaccob finally found Edward he was at his home, Jaccob was not supposed to Cullen territory, but hard times, extreme methods.

EDWARD: Hey dude, what are you doing here?

Edward was drunk; he had been drinking without stopping for a whole week.

Jaccob understood the persons he knew in Phoenix were no longer how he thought they were, Bella had become lesbian and had her own emo lesbian girlfriend named Gloria, Edward is no longer that sexy vampire that appeared on The Twilight Saga, now he was fat, and his face looked like a foot, his pack now was modern and he was like a grandpa to them, Jaccob didn´t know how to use a cellphone, he doesn´t know what the word GÜEY means, and he can´t make faces while chatting. That was why his pack had thrown him away of the house. Now he was alone in this world. Or not? He decided to go out of the forest and try it in a new city. He traveled from Phoenix to Miami, his third werewolf made him not shine in the sunlight, but he was still cold as ice, and wanted to drink blood. His desire of human was not as strong as the one from the other vampires' desires, thanks that he was just one third and not a complete vampire.

Jaccob transformed to the horrible creature that looked like a mixture of vampire and werewolf, and ran from his original position to Miami.


	3. JACCOB MEETS GAGA IN MIAMI

NOW I´VE GOTTEN TO THE THIRD CHAPTER, THIS IS ONLY THE BIGGINIG. HOPE YOU LIKE IT FROM HERE ON IT GETS THE FUNIEST, THE PAST TWO CHAPTERS WERE LIKE THE INTRUDUCTION SO PREPARE YOUR SELVES FOR THE FUNIEST PARTS.

CHAPTER 3

Jaccob may be antiquated but he was rich, his father had let him in his will more than 50 million. From that desirable amount of money he bought a home close to the beach, it wasn´t a house it was a mansion, a huge luxury mansion; it was painted in white and had a dark, dry blue ceiling.

Jaccob had neighbor obviously, they were Lady Gaga, the Black Eyed Peas, and across the street was Miley Cyrus. It was Saturday, the next day Sunday Jaccob went for a walk, he was a third werewolf; he actually needs that, he was peeing in one of Palm Springs palms, when Gaga came to talk.

Gaga was dressed with some lemon glasses, a huge cap made out of an innocent fox, a pair of high hills that were about 1.5 feet tall. She also had a baby suit made of raw meat.

GAGA: Hey good man, I see you got a good package.

Said gaga watching to Jaccob´s man honor.

JACCOB: I guess it is pretty big.

GAGA: Why don't we go for a walk? I promise I won't kill you.

JACCOB: Ok.

The two characters went walking until they got to the mall; Gaga was still wearing that crazy outfit. Gaga took Jaccob to a very fancy store to buy him underwear. Who knows why she wanted to do that. An employee from the store came, Gaga read his employee card to find his name; his name was Alejandro. As soon as gaga read that some music came out of nowhere and Gaga began singing, "Don't call my name don't call my name Alejandro… I´m not your babe…" suddenly Jaccob snap her in her head and everything stopped.

GAGA: Why did you do that?

JACCOB: I didn´t want the gays to appear.

Said Jaccob referring to the video of that same song; Gaga death glare at Jaccob.

Gaga saw a red panty with jewels covering some blue wings at the sides and a container for Jaccob´s secret parts.

Jaccob tried it on and he loved it.

He smiled while Gaga took her digital camera and began to take pictures of Jaccob with different baby suits. Some were red, others were black, some were even transparent and they all had something weird: flowers coming out of them, spines that were very exciting, and even toy animals.

They finally bought half of the store, only the weird part, and went to walk again.

Gaga there saw two girls, there were Gloria and Bella! They had come from Phoenix to Miami who know for what.


	4. GAGA GOES AGRESSIVE

NOW I´LL TRY TO GET TO BE A LITTLE BIT FUNNIER THA LAST (MARIA HERE IS DOR WHAT YOU WERE CRYING FOR SO MUCH, YOUR CRAZY GAGA JOKE… I ALSO LIKE IT, AND I AM NOT INCLUDING THE DOGS AS I TOLD YOU SO PEACE UOT YOU SUCKER, JUST JOKING). _**HOPE TO SEE YOUR REVIEWS **_

**CHPATER 4**

Gaga invited everybody to her home next to Jaccob´s and they all began to party. They were dancing Gaga´s music, from Pokerface, to Paper Gangsta. The four friends got very drunk, they drank whisky, Aguardiente, tequila, and even Guifiti, Guifiti is a very powerful drink from native from Honduras. They got so drunk they were say incoherencies that were very stupid.

GAGA: Who wants to do a bra fight?

GLORIA & BELLA: We want!

GAGA: Ok we will begin in a moment.

Gaga goes to her room in the second story of her home, after 5 min had past Gaga appears in the back ok Jaccob with the bra she used in Alejandro´s video, the one with the guns and stars shooting, they were real bullets, Gaga is shooting everybody while making a classic "Muajaja."

Moments later she runs put of bullets and notice that everyone is alive, and begins to wonder why…

GAGA: Why are you alive?

BELLA: Is that we are all vampires.

Bella says it with no guiltiness because of her alcoholic situation. Everyone begins to laugh.

GAGA: No really why?

GLORIA: It is true.

Then Gloria transforms into a bat just as if she was Dracula. Gaga faints. And everyone leaves the house all confused and drunk.

The next day came and it Jaccob was alright until the clock said was 5:03 p.m. and someone knock ate the front door. Jaccob was in the mansion´s hot tub, he went and opened.

JACCOB: Oh! Hey Gaga how are you.

GAGA: Don't play games with me you vampire.

Jaccob seemed nervous.

GAGA: I came here just to tell you something…

A brief silent moment.

Gaga began to sing.

GAGA: You are a monster, mo, mo, mo, monster.

JACCOB: Are we serious?

Jaccob convinces Lady Gaga to go to the kitchen with him. There Jaccob tides her up from feet and arms, puts her in a sack, a wool, stink sack, he then goes to a nearby river and throw her into it.

The river had made a big erode area that look like a rift, and it was very high, so every time Gaga hit herself against the rift walls she screamed "OUCH!"

When she got to the bottom of the river she was still alive, and was nagging.

GAGA: Fuck you Jaccob! This hurts a lot!

Jaccob left Gaga with her sorrow and pain.


	5. JACCOB S MELANCHOLY

PLEASE MY APOLOGIES IF U THOUGHT I WAS TOO CRUEL WITH LADY GAGA, AND LADY GAGA YOU ARE MY FAVORITE SINGER, PERFORMER, AND ARTISTS, SO DO NOT THINK I HATE BECAAUSE I DON´T. SORRY FOR THE TIME IT TOOK FOR ME TO FINNISH THIS CHAPTER, IS JUST THAT I HAD HAD LOT OF HOMEWORK IN SCHOOL AND MANY OTHER ACTIVITIES THAT MADE ME TIRED AT THE END OF THE DAY. BUT NO MORE BLAH, BLAH, BLAH HERE IS THE SO EXPECTED CHAPTER 5.

By: Alejandro Artiles & Annjulie the spicy pepper

**Chapter 5**

Jaccob continue his way home, during the time between the river and his home he was regretting what he did to Gaga. He was thinking, "how could I had killed somebody, and it was Lady Gaga!"

Jaccob had thirst of blood, there had passed two days from the moment he became one third vampire. His vampire instincts were forcing him to drink some blood. Jaccob thought of the Cullen's way of feeding, they drank wild animals´ blood; they killed cute deer, bunnies and all types of animals. It was better than drinking human blood but Jaccob was still disgusted.

Jaccob went into the see to catch some animals to feed. Jaccob gets into the gorgeous coast of Miami and starts to hunt for fishes.

Jaccob captures many fishes and began to drink there blood, for him it taste delicious and it made him feel with a lot of energy. Moments later Aquaman appeared in front of Jaccob. Jaccob lifts its head to se Aquaman to the face.

AQUAMAN: What are you doing with my friends?

JACCOB: Well… I guess I am drinking their blood. By the way who are you?

AQUAMAN: Don't you know who I am? I am Aquaman!

As Aquaman says his name a background rhythm sounded; it was that same rhythm that they put on the television when some heroic had happen.

Jaccob ignored him and continue to drink the blood of the poor innocent fishes.

Aquaman leaves the scene making footprints in the sand that were deep, and saying blasphemies, he looked frustrated as a little princess girl, he then gets to the ocean and disappears.

Jaccob has finished and is satisfied with the food.

Jaccob now returns home, seats in the sofa and rest seen MTV, they are passing BAD ROMANCE, a video from Lady Gaga.

Jaccob feels terrible and nervous, so he changes the channel to VH1, they are passing JUST DANCE, another video from Lady Gaga.

Jaccob is now shocked so he changes the channel again to a local music radio program; they are passing POKER FACE, again a video from Lady Gaga,

Jaccob now desperate turn the channel as fast as he can but every channel has something about Gaga, now he has reached the boiling point and turns off the television, grabs it and throws it through the window breaking it into pieces.


	6. JACCOB S DREAM PART 1

THIS CHAPTER AS MENY OTHERS I AM DOING IT AT 2:00 A.M., THIS CHAPTER WAS NOT ORIGINANNLY WRITTEN SO ANNJULIE THE SPICIY PEPPER DID NOT HELP ME WITH IT… ACTUALLY SHE DIDN´T HELPE ME WITH CHAPTER 3 TO HERE BUT THERE ARE LOT OF PARTS MEASING FROM HER.

By: Alejandro Artiles

**CHAPTER 6**

After throwing the television by the window Jaccob got bored and went to bed. His bedroom had blue walls and he had an amazing bed, his quilt was all puffy and had rainbows and care bears. Jaccob got into his underwear for going to bead, there he saw it, it was the bag where he kept the cloths he bought with Gaga at the store. He took his already ugly underwear and put one of the news, it has a very thin back part; it had spines in the front and leaves coming out of where the legs came out. It was even uglier that the first one.

Jaccob took it off and put his original underwear which had hearts and flowers printed in. they were not so macho.

Some minutes had to pass before Jaccob fall asleep. He began to dream.

In his dream Jaccob was a normal werewolf again, he saw this yellow way. He began to walk following the yellow way. At the end of this a large, green object was there. The object was made of two cylinders one over the other one, they were join as if they were one single object, it was empty inside, suddenly a man came out of it, it was Mario, from Mario bros. moments later came Luigi. They were both brothers and were talking to Jaccob in his dream.

JACCOB: How are you Mario? How are you Luigi?

MARIO: It´s me Mario!

LUIGI: It´s me Luigi!

JACCOB: Ok… but, how are you?

MARIO: Mexico!

JACCOB: It is that all you can say?

JACCOB: Well I´ll leave because… yes!

Jaccob said that because he was getting mad at the two brothers that seem to speak only with clichés and weird phases.

Jaccob´s dream changed scenario, it became a labyrinth, its walls were painted with yellow, magenta, and cyan, lights came from the top they were red, blue, and green. The mixtures they all made together were diverse and gorgeous.

Jaccob began to walk through the labyrinth´s corridos.


End file.
